A sign from one McDonald's using Shrek to attract children.

Oak Brook, IL — McDonald’s has recently come under fire from a group of concerned citizens for using their “Happy Meal” product to lure kids into their restaurants, and then proceeding to prepare and cook them into “McDouble” cheeseburgers.

The group, known as The Center for Public Safety and Human Control has filed suit in against the fast food giant, alleging that the company markets their Happy Meal product specifically to young children, using such things as toys and prizes based on popular cartoons and television series.

“Once the child has taken the bait, McDonald’s takes them into their large, as they call it ‘PlayPlace’, where the child is put through a series of chutes and pipes to tenderize them,” says CPSHC president Roy Polyvich.

Polyvich says that the kids are then sent to a back room and thrown into a giant grinder.  ”The screams in the play area of kids seemingly having a good time cover up the blood-curdling horror sounds from the room below.”

McDonald’s released a statement yesterday claiming Polyvich’s claims are unfounded, and that their McDouble patties are made from the finest cuts of meats from their supplier, Kansas Industry of Dairy and Swine. “We market a cheap alternative to food for the fast-paced American family of today.  Besides, kids do not have the meat content necessary to deliver a product in the volume in which we produce McDoubles.”

Polyvich disagrees: “Can’t the public see?  McDonald’s is serving high-fat food to your kids to plump them up!  An average American child today could feed a family of four for a week!”

The CPSHC also states in their suit that the McDouble’s release on the McDonald’s “Dollar Menu” coincides with the increased rates of child disappearances in the restaurant.  ”We’ve suspected for many years that McDonald’s was experimenting with children as a source of their meat, but the release of the McDouble on the Dollar Menu solidified to us that the process has been perfected.”

This is not the first time McDonald’s has been named in a lawsuit.  The company has been allegedly trying to find new and quicker ways to cook human flesh by intentionally selling hot coffee to motorists at their drive thrus, which then is released onto the customer’s lap at a specified time.  The company released a statement shortly after apologizing, stating that people should use their “common sense” to figure out the coffee is hot.

“It is clear that McDonald’s does not care about the population, and only sees them as giant meat bags they can sell to other meat bags. Ow!”  said Olivia Montail, a concerned member of CPSHC who was attempting to clean out her household electrical plugs with a fork during the interview.  ”Damn!  Gotta go call my lawyer,” she commented before handing me a pre-filled lawsuit alleging that I did not stop her.

While it is unclear if McDonald’s will settle out-of-court, Polyvich believes that they will win the suit.  ”I think America agrees with us that it is time for McDonald’s to stop killing and selling our children in their restaurants, and start looking towards more humane ways of obtaining their meats, such as from our aging and populous senior citizens!”