A sign from one McDonald's using Shrek to attract children.

Oak Brook, IL — McDonald’s has recently come under fire from a group of concerned citizens for using their “Happy Meal” product to lure kids into their restaurants, and then proceeding to prepare and cook them into “McDouble” cheeseburgers.

The group, known as The Center for Public Safety and Human Control has filed suit in against the fast food giant, alleging that the company markets their Happy Meal product specifically to young children, using such things as toys and prizes based on popular cartoons and television series.

“Once the child has taken the bait, McDonald’s takes them into their large, as they call it ‘PlayPlace’, where the child is put through a series of chutes and pipes to tenderize them,” says CPSHC president Roy Polyvich.

Polyvich says that the kids are then sent to a back room and thrown into a giant grinder.  ”The screams in the play area of kids seemingly having a good time cover up the blood-curdling horror sounds from the room below.”

McDonald’s released a statement yesterday claiming Polyvich’s claims are unfounded, and that their McDouble patties are made from the finest cuts of meats from their supplier, Kansas Industry of Dairy and Swine. “We market a cheap alternative to food for the fast-paced American family of today.  Besides, kids do not have the meat content necessary to deliver a product in the volume in which we produce McDoubles.”

Polyvich disagrees: “Can’t the public see?  McDonald’s is serving high-fat food to your kids to plump them up!  An average American child today could feed a family of four for a week!”

The CPSHC also states in their suit that the McDouble’s release on the McDonald’s “Dollar Menu” coincides with the increased rates of child disappearances in the restaurant.  ”We’ve suspected for many years that McDonald’s was experimenting with children as a source of their meat, but the release of the McDouble on the Dollar Menu solidified to us that the process has been perfected.”

This is not the first time McDonald’s has been named in a lawsuit.  The company has been allegedly trying to find new and quicker ways to cook human flesh by intentionally selling hot coffee to motorists at their drive thrus, which then is released onto the customer’s lap at a specified time.  The company released a statement shortly after apologizing, stating that people should use their “common sense” to figure out the coffee is hot.

“It is clear that McDonald’s does not care about the population, and only sees them as giant meat bags they can sell to other meat bags. Ow!”  said Olivia Montail, a concerned member of CPSHC who was attempting to clean out her household electrical plugs with a fork during the interview.  ”Damn!  Gotta go call my lawyer,” she commented before handing me a pre-filled lawsuit alleging that I did not stop her.

While it is unclear if McDonald’s will settle out-of-court, Polyvich believes that they will win the suit.  ”I think America agrees with us that it is time for McDonald’s to stop killing and selling our children in their restaurants, and start looking towards more humane ways of obtaining their meats, such as from our aging and populous senior citizens!”

Four years ago, I was clueless, just leading my life.

Four years ago, I went to youth group every Wednesday, and had a crazy fun time.

Four years ago, I was finishing up a pointless, and hilarious, English video (which led me to my love of video editing); I was enjoying the recently-renewed Family Guy, and ate lunch in the science room.

Four years ago, I was enjoying Pixar’s newest movie: Cars.

Four years ago, I was stressing over what college I wanted to go to, and what it would be like when I got there.

Four years ago, I was leaving all of my friends and going into a new and frightening location.

Four years ago, I sat in Constitution Hall and walked a long walk across a stage, and turned a tassel.

Four years ago, I got my iMac, printer, surround sound system, and iPod Shuffle.

Four years ago, I spent my last “permanent” time at home, with my family and cat.

Four years ago, I visited Cal U, toured the Meteorology Lab, the old (now non-existent dorms), and many other buildings that are no longer around.

Four years ago, I was thrust into a new environment, not knowing anyone, and left to fend for myself.

Four years ago, I spent most of my time in my dorm room, playing video games and on my computer.

Four years ago, I was taking Intro to Meteorology; a naive little freshman who sat and played the class clown to try and combat his nervousness and shyness.

Four years ago, I went on a camping and rafting trip, meeting many new friends, and realizing I had picked the right college to go to.

Four years ago, my life changed…a lot, and now I’m being thrown quickly into the same situation.  With a month left until I graduate…again…I have no idea what to do.  A ton of work behind me, but still a ton ahead of me.  No idea where I am going in a month or what I will be doing.  Leaving everything and everyone I’ve known for the past four years, back into a new and different part of my life.

And even though the past four years have had their ups and downs (and more downs), I regret nothing.  It has been an interesting four years; it’s been nothing like I expected.  I could never have imagined myself being in the position I am right now four years ago.  I never thought I’d be so depressed…not wanting to leave.

So now I go on with my life, to do new and exciting things.  With the past four years being so much different from what I expected, who knows the the next four, eight, and twelve years hold.  I’ll meet new people, go more places, and hopefully will be happy.

And as I accept my degree, I will walk across, and never stop.